Frustration or inspiration

Frustration or inspiration

After I’ve spent 3 days building this page from scratch (thanks to YouTube tutorials and WordPress articles) and having quite a bit of previously written blogposts, I am stuck.

First, I needed a lot of courage and determination to publish this page. And I’ve read all the advices saying that before you start a blog, think of at least 10 topics you will write about and write couple of texts so that you are sure you won’t lack inspiration once your blog is out on the Internet.

I did everything what I’ve been told and still nothing

I’ve come up with 20 topics (that seem sooooo boring now), written 15 texts (not good enough quality to be published), spent at least 20 hours building my web page and publishing first post (which I revised literally 23 times before pressing “publish”) and now I am stuck. I have such a blockage and I can’t push myself to publish another post.

One post a week. This is what I promised myself. And for the past week, I am not revising already written posts nor am I writing new ones. I started to write this blog post 4 days ago, but it felt dull and I had no energy writing it.

So what is it then? What is happening to me?

Giving up on slightest chance of success

I have this thing that when I accomplish something that seemed so hard to accomplish, I give up from pushing it to the next level. When I was in colleague, I tried to diminish my good friends that made extra effort in writing their seminar work, doing extra research and reading additional literature. I diminished them because I was jealous of them. I was jealous that they had the inner capacity and inspiration to research more and to make extra effort to write something that was recognised by our professors. Recognition that I read as “You are really interested in this topic. And I see your potential”. I felt invisible, I felt I wasn’t good enough, I felt I had no natural resources (talent, intelligence, inspiration, creativity) to do the same. I just wasn’t made to shine.

I just want to shine

Yes, wanting to shine is my biggest and most poisonous wish. The same happened with this web page. I finally made it!  My page is out! And it’s visible on Google! My first post is out! And now I’m stuck. I am stuck because deep down, I can’t let myself succeed in pursuing this part of my life. I can’t let myself be out there, publishing my intimate thoughts and possibly see where this blog can take me to. And, the same as I diminished my friends, I am diminishing myself. Blogposts I have previously written are not good enough. Nobody will read them. And what am I trying to achieve with this blog anyway? 

I have a dream that in next year or two, this blog will help me get the courage and resources to change (or quit) my current job. And that I will finally shine. Whatever that means. It could be that I get thousands and thousands of readers, or that I am just persistent in writing and that my readers are me and people dearest to me, or something totally different. I just know I will feel it when it happens.

Frustration = inspiration

This morning, I finally felt the rush of energy, the frustration I’ve been waiting for since my first blog post.

After one week of no inspiration, I’ve finally written more than 500 words. What I am most happy about is that, one week ago, I knew I needed to feel frustrated in order to write (because that feeling was source of this post). And this morning, I felt it. And I am happy because I am becoming more aware of myself. I knew what I needed and recognised it when it came.

For me, it’s a huge step forward.

What to do when you lack inspiration

Here are the things that helped me during last week and maybe some of the tips will help you too if  you feel stuck. And they go hand in hand with the ones I wrote about in the post about dealing with bad days:

  1. Talk to people close to you. I always feel inspired after talking to my family and my friends. Sharing joys and difficulties from our lives and making memories. Although I am not that comfortable in big groups or surrounded by new people, I do feel that my day made more sense when being in contact with others. During this week I talked to my closest girlfriends, I went with my husband to my parents’ house for a family lunch, spent whole day with my sister and currently I am sitting with my husband in our local coffee shop (he is also working on his computer 🙂 )
  2. Find resources by other people you feel are inspiring. Maybe they are the same people from 1st bullet “Talk to people close to you”. I love, love, love listening to podcasts. Currently, I am a big fan of Ladies who lunch, TED Radio Hour and Duolingo Spanish podcast. I am addicted to YouTube videos. Currently, I am obsessed with channels about fashion like: Justine LeconteAshley Brooke, Use Less, Amy Serrano… On Instagram, lately I am mostly inspired by newyork_instagram, kate.lavie, babiolesdezoe and scribblesbynicole. Book I am currently reading and I find inspiring: You don’t have to like me by Alida Nugent
  3. Going to your favourite working space. For me, those are my kitchen counter and beautiful coffee shops. For some reason, sitting in a coffee shop with beautiful interior design, surrounded by people I don’t know (we don’t talk to each other but I don’t feel alone) and a cup of warm coffee makes me feel cozy and inspired. Working on my kitchen counter surprisingly gives me very similar feeling. Instead of being surrounded by people I don’t know, I turn on TV and mute it, or put on very low volume.
  4. Give yourself time and kindness (permission) to be frustrated. I feel this one is the most important one. As I described at the beginning of this text, it took me one week for my frustration to reach it’s peek. The peek I felt as “Finally I know what I will write!”. I could’ve just beat myself with thoughts of failure and burry this project of mine (writing a blog) but instead, I was kind enough towards myself and gave myself a permission not to be perfect (writing 1 post a week, without exception).  I gave myself time by letting the frustration to be and to grow. Grow enough to become inspiration.

Written with love,

Chiara

Leave a Reply