Running away

Running away

For a long time I have a wish to go abroad and work in another country. My husband tells me I’m trying to run away from something and maybe he’s right.

But maybe I am not trying to run away from something, maybe I am just trying to run towards something, to catch something. 

Maybe the two are the same thing. Catching something that is different from my reality today = running away from my reality today. 

This morning, in my local café, I came across an old friend of mine. I haven’t seen her in person for about a year. 

I was interested to hear how she was and about her life. She shared how she, couple of years ago, after tough breakup with her partner, quit her job and went to work abroad.

I was amazed how she was brave to go abroad alone. She said she had to get away, to work on herself. And she couldn’t do it here, surrounded by people who hurt her.

“Running away” the thought appeared and stayed in my mind long after we said goodbye to each other.

What am I chasing? What am I running away from? I have an idea that everything is better abroad, that I am missing out on a great and successful life. 

Am I willing to sacrifice all that I’ve built here, all my close relationships to chase this dream? This dream I am not even sure what is it about? Am I so scared of something in my life, in me, I am willing to sacrifice whatever it takes? 

Yes I was, until I realised that Me is coming wherever I escape to… I can’t get rid of Me that easily. I cannot escape from Me by chasing something I am not. I can only try to get to know myself, to see myself the way I truly am and try to embrace Me. Maybe then I could see more clearly what I truly want and need. Maybe I will even realise that true Me is all I ever wanted. Anything is possible.

How can I do it? 

I honestly don’t know for sure. I feel I am on the right path of getting to know and see myself. Baby-steps in psychotherapy, reading books, writing, drawing pictures on our little chalkboard in our kitchen… Baby-steps but on the right path. 

Written with love,

Chiara

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